New Years 1/1/2009

I don’t really have too many resolutions for 2009. Normally, I try to make a list pertaining to every aspect of life on what I would like to see done. However, the one thing I want this year is to follow Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make your paths straight.
It’s a verse I’m pretty sure most people are familiar with. It’s quoted quite often, but it’s never hit me more than now. This verse is what I want to resonate with for the year that I will trust God in everything I do.
I think sometimes when we think of “giving it up to God”, we think that makes us weak or that means our lives will be boring, but it’s totally the opposite. When we give control of things in our lives, our lives might seem less satisfactory and things might not go the way we wanted to, but it’s funny, that’s when I’m the most satisfied.
I’ve been so conflicted this year with just my faith. I wanted to fall back. I wanted to be a nominal Christian that just went to church on Sunday. In the eyes of my family and American culture, that’s enough to reach the spiritual quota, but it’s like the Matrix. I’ve chosen the red pill. I know too much of God’s plans and what He’s capable of to relent my passion for Him. Although the nominal path is so much easier and culturally acceptable, I simply can’t turn my back on the Lord.
Even in my lifestyle, there’s so much tension. I’m constantly worrying about money and other things. Constantly, I’m worried about what others think about me, that my LA version of myself and the Cupertino version are two completely different versions. There’s a reality that comes with being back home with family and old friends that I know exists, but want to escape from. The fear of being scrutinized for little things causes me to be a silent and dull version of myself. My conversation with family is so sad. All I talk about is what will make me look good and ‘normal’. I talk about doing normal teenage things such as going out with friends and partying, and how much money I make at work/poker. This especially comes up during worship at a church service with my brother and sister. I just want to be undignified before the Lord, lift up my hands in praise and dance for Him, but I choose to remain silent because I don’t want to be labeled weird and overly religious by them. Only if they knew how much I truly love the Lord and the depths of my love for Him.
Why am I so scared of being abnormal to my family? Maybe because I can’t accept the fact that my family is weird and that in some aspects I’m ashamed to be around them. The fights, arguments over stupid stuff, and all the stuff I’ve had to lie about for my entire life to friends. I think that’s it. I’m so ashamed that I think they’re weird and dysfunctional that I try to be as normal as possible to make it seem like my family is normal.